Here is a reliable truth: all things, eventually, fall apart. The Buddha’s teachings advise that all composite things decompose. And everything is composite. Impermanence is a fact of life.

The problem is not that things fall apart–that’s just a law of nature. But you may experience this as a problem if your thoughts and emotions have not caught up with the reality. When things fall apart, it means change.

It’s possible to learn to navigate change with grace with a few simple adjustments. Here are some of my favorite tools to help you negotiate life transitions.

1. Relaxing is the key

Transition means a disintegration of one set of circumstances in order to make room for another to arise. It can be scary. But unless you let go of what wants to pass, you won’t be able to make room for new situations to arise.

The key to successfully navigate life transition is to relax. When you let go of your expectations and make friends with the situation, you invite curiosity. You become open to new perspectives that are coming into view. By allowing an attitude of relaxed openness, you open to new possibilities.

I used to dread transitions and worried about things I could not foresee. Much of what is difficult about change is simply that there are unknowns. But when I learned to relax into change, I started to notice the feeling of excitement that accompanies transitions. From one perspective it may look like things falling apart. From another, it is an opportunity, paving the way to a new phase of life. Transitions always offer the possibility of reinventing yourself.

2. Accept things as they are

You may dream of an ideal situation where things will go smoothly, forever – when you will be peaceful, happy, successful and fulfilled. There are many people willing to help you do that: coaches, advisors, teachers, gurus, counselors, consultants. There’s nothing wrong with learning skills to improve your circumstances.

But the problem with this approach is relying exclusively on circumstances to make you happy. It’s only a superficial, and temporary fix.

More important than learning to manipulate your circumstances, is learning to accept–and tolerate–what is happening in your current situation. Only from a place of acceptance can you eventually create change.

3. Contemplation: Ground, Path + Fruition

Change means growth, if you pay attention. Think of it as evolution. It can be helpful to think of this as ground, path and fruition. When you are confronting transition, contemplate (or better yet, do a free-write for) these questions:

Ground: What’s happening right now? This could be as simple as describing your surroundings: sights, sounds, smells, and the surrounding situation. What is your current reality? Are you happy with things as they are? Why or why not?

Path: Where are you heading? If you were to take your hands off the steering wheel –metaphorically speaking–where would you end up? What is the trajectory in your life? Is it where you want to go? Could you avoid a collision by steering slightly or applying the brakes?

Fruition: What are the possibilities from where you sit? What is your ideal outcome in the current situation? Do you have a vision of what that looks like? Can you identify supportive influences that are trying to help you progress along the right path?

4. Writing Prompts For Negotiating Transitions

One of the hardest parts about life transitions is knowing which direction to take. Often the best advice often comes from your inner wise guide who speaks through the written word. Writing prompts can be used to help encourage the voice of your inner wisdom to come forth.

• What’s really bugging me right now…

• If I could say one thing to ___________ I would tell them…

• To be honest, I would rather…

• I really need to let go of…

• What’s happening right now is…

• I know when I’m really happy because…

• If I knew I could not fail, I would…

• The last time I felt this way, I…

• What I wish I could change is…

• What I need to accept is…

• How do I get in my own way?

  
  

Transitions are often accompanied by worry, stress or anxiety. Tools such as these writing prompts help you gain perspecitve. Write until you feel a sense of clarity in your bones. If there’s not a final solution that becomes clear, then do another free-write, and go for small steps.

5. Asking For Guidance

If nothing occurs to you through the contemplations or writing practices, then open yourself to grace. At times in my life when I’ve had no clear direction, I simply ask for clarity and guidance. Call it prayer if you will.

Settle in to your quiet place and ask. I often do this while walking in nature, or at the end of a meditation or yoga practice. Then make a practice of noticing signs in all forms: thoughts that arise, people or animals who cross your path (and the uncanny way strangers can give you messages when you least expect them), feelings, new situations that suddenly appear. It can be tempting to write off these “messages” as simply arbitrary coincidences, and wait for more glittery miracles. But the small miracles–in the form of these mundane messages–are often the signs pointing the way to move forward.

When you learn to trust the message of your inner wisdom–that often expresses itself through signs in the phenomenal world–you will have a new tool to help guide you through life transitions. The tricky part is to learn to quiet your mind enough to be able to hear these messages. So when transition is upon you, my best advice is to sit still and listen until you know what to do.

About the author

Kim Roberts, earned an M.A. in Contemplative Psychology from Naropa University and was authorised as an Ashtanga Yoga teacher, teaching internationally for over 20 years. A former counsellor at NLF, her forthcoming book, Toward A Secret Sky: A Guide To The Art Of Pilgrimage, will be published spring 2019.  She will be offering a retreat at New Life Foundation in February 2019 where you can learn some of these and other tools to negotiate transitions. See Kim’s website, KimRoberts.Co, for more info.