Apparently Warren Buffet, one of the richest men on the planet, once said, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is those really successful people say no to almost everything.”

This baffled me for a while. I couldn’t fathom how people who were at the top of their game got there by saying no to almost everything. Wouldn’t saying “yes” open more doors and allow for more opportunities to arise?

But then this is the problem. Too many choices often lead to inaction. “No” clearly defines your territory. “No” is confidence that you don’t need to jump at every new thing. “No” means: my well-being is a priority.

Have you ever found yourself in one of these situations:

• Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”

• Feeling guilty for saying “no”

• Keeping silent when someone doesn’t treat you well

• Giving too much in an effort to be liked or valued

• Not speaking up when someone does something rude or inappropriate

• Doing something against your will in order to keep the peace

• Assuming that people will know what you are thinking without you having to say what’s on your mind.

If any of these sound familiar, then you could use a lesson in boundary setting skills.

Why Is It Hard For Some To Set Boundaries?

If you never had boundaries set for you as a child, you might not know how to set them as an adult. Parents might allow children to have whatever they want, never learning the value of imposing limits.

Controlling parents might protest when a young child tries to establish her identity and override attempts to say “no”. If you were punished each time you stood your ground as a child, you might fear rejection or punishment if you try to set boundaries. You might equate boundaries with confrontation.

This might give the mistaken impression that the way to earn love and respect from others is to be compliant. Saying “yes” is fine if it’s in alignment with your values. But saying “yes” because you are too scared to say “no” is no way to earn anyone’s respect, least of all your own.

Sometimes we don’t know how things make us feel because we are not paying attention. To learn effective boundaries, you need to recognise what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad. This means you need to learn to listen to your body.

The first step in setting boundaries is to identify your needs.

If you are a people pleaser and dependent upon public opinion for your self-confidence, even this might be new territory. You might have to give yourself permission to acknowledge your needs and disappoint people. Setting boundaries are about protecting your state of mind from disturbing influences.

Saying “No”

When you are able to say “no” to people and situations, it shows you can take good care of yourself. Boundaries affirm where you stand in relation to the world. They allow you to filter your experiences — to a certain degree — so that you can avoid unnecessary pain and suffering. Boundaries are like gatekeepers, selecting who and what you want in your inner circle.

The second step is to define your boundaries

Define Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries are how we define ourselves. We lay down the foundation of what will be allowed in and what we want to keep out. We allow things into our inner circle that we deem helpful, safe, healthy or conducive to our growth.

Setting boundaries mean saying “NO”. That means actively choosing and selecting what we say “YES” to. Healthy boundaries are permeable — not too tight and not too loose. Firm, but adaptable.

How do you define your own boundaries and how do you enforce them? Speak up? Retreat? Take legal action? Ask?

The third step is to communicate your boundaries.

Boundaries Define Relationships

Boundaries are kind — we show our care by setting boundaries. Meditation practice is important to me, so when I am practicing, I turn my phone off and ask friends not to interrupt me so that I can focus. I care about my health, so I say “no” when someone offers me a cigarette. Boundaries allow us to prioritise what we want more of in our lives. It also allows the people in your life to trust you. People like to know where they stand, so communicating boundaries lets them know.

Setting boundaries are sane. It shows that we are sturdy and stable and know how to take care of ourselves. Without boundaries, you just float through life like a leaf blown by the wind. You’ll accept anything.

You can practice setting boundaries in small ways. Practice saying “no” to get used to the feelings it brings up.

The fourth step is to overcome guilt.

Boundaries and Guilt

If you are afraid to disappoint people, you might feel guilty about setting boundaries. If that’s a problem for you, you might need to learn to work with your guilt.

Setting boundaries clears space and this can be uncomfortable. Some people get nervous if there is too much space. They want to fill it up with words or activity or people or accomplishments or anything under the sun to avoid confronting space. But space is a great healer. If guilt comes up for you, allow it space.

Recognise that healthy aggression Is normal. By listening to it you know when it is appropriate to set a boundary.

The fifth step is to trust yourself.

Trust Yourself

Saying “no” when it is appropriate shows you can take personal responsibility for whatever is happening in the moment. You take care of yourself based on needs and priorities that are current.

Boundaries show self-respect. When boundaries are ignored or denied, we learn that our integrity is not important and this can have profound and devastating effects. Marking the boundaries of your territory allows you to define what comes in and what is not invited into your focus.

Here’s how to set healthy boundaries:

• Identify your deeds

• Define your boundaries

• Communicate your boundaries

• Overcome guilt that may arise

• Trust yourself

• Be patient

Boundaries are important for mental health and learning to take care of yourself. If you are a people pleaser,  you can spend your whole life pleasing others at the expense of your own happiness. When you try to make everyone happy, you usually end up making no one happy. So it’s to everyone’s advantage to practice “effective selfishness.”

The sixth step is to have patience

Be Patient

Setting boundaries allows the space necessary for transformation to occur. You wouldn’t expect a new relationship to thrive without setting aside some quality time. Relationships need nourishing. You need privacy to delve deep into things. This is also true for your practice — you are developing your relationship with your inner wisdom. So forgive relapses and be patient as you learn a new skill.

About the author:

Kim Roberts, M.A. is a writer and artist. She has an M.A. in Contemplative Psychology from Naropa University and was authorised as an Ashtanga Yoga teacher, teaching internationally for over 20 years. A former counsellor at NLF, she is currently working on a book about pilgrimage, Toward A Secret Sky: A Guide To The Art Of Pilgrimage, to be published spring 2019.  See Kim’s website, KimRoberts.Co, for more info.